心靈雞湯：在故事之外尋找真愛
我們總喜歡在談及某事時說一些讓人覺得是命中注定的玄乎事兒，用來堅定自己的信心(同時麻痹自己的理性)，最終連自己都不得不信以為真也許正是這樣的故事情結造就了不少情侶，也讓很多人生活得更加幸福。其實如果你愿意相信，沒有故事的故事也可以很動人在感情道路上更是如此，無論我們以怎樣的方式相遇、相知、相愛，即便是平淡如水的愛情也能感人至深。 For the most part, my 1)aversion to online dating is about vanity. Simply put, I think that Im too attractive, too interesting and too young to need to subject myself to the trauma of courting on the Internet.
我討厭網絡相親的最大原因在于其虛有其表。簡而言之，我認為自己太有魅力、太有趣也太年輕了，根本沒有必要去經歷網絡求愛這種精神創傷。
But theres another reason, too its that I love a story. One of my favorite parts of dating is a charming how we met anecdote. And Im sorry, but theres nothing charming about Harmony. So when someone I know admitted that part of getting over his first love meant realizing that hed been in love with the story the two of them met in the desert in Israel I immediately recognized my own experience.
不過，這其中還有另外一個原因我喜歡有故事的愛情。對于約會，我最鐘愛的部分便是我們如何相識這件迷人軼事。真抱歉，網絡紅娘根本跟迷人不沾邊。因此，當我的一位朋友承認結束其初戀的部分原因是他明白到自己一直以來只是與那個故事相愛他們兩人是在以色列的沙漠中相遇的我立刻想到了自己的經歷。
Specifically, I recognized my Missed Connection. It was the Internet that brought us together, ironically, but there was plot. We made eye contact on a Brooklyn-bound train and then found one another through the Missed Connections page on Craigslist. I posted the ad, for the first time in my life, and he hadnt even heard of the site until reading about it in the Times Book Review two weeks prior.
具體來說，我想到了自己一段錯過的聯系。諷刺的是，讓我們找到了對方的正是網絡，當中還有情節。我們在一列開往布魯克林方向的火車上有過一面之緣，隨后在克雷格菜單網站的尋人啟事頁面中找到對方。我發布了平生第一則尋人廣告，而他是在前兩周讀到《時代》雜志的書評時才知道這個網站。
On our first date, he unassumingly disclosed a critical mass of Ideal Boyfriend qualities: he was six footf ive and a lawyer for a labor union. He asked me questions and read the New Yorker. He had become an ordained minister online so that he could perform the weddings of both of his younger sisters.
我們第一次約會時，他自然地流露出成為理想男友的基本條件：身高六尺五寸(約2.17米)，是一名工會律師。他對我噓寒問暖，喜歡讀《紐約客》雜志。他在網上獲得牧師的圣職，好讓自己能為兩個妹妹主婚。
He was so completely good natured that, initially, my attraction vanished. (I questioned my sexuality the way I had after the first time I kissed an attractive man and felt nothing only years later realizing it was because he was meek and unintelligent.) But the story of my Missed Connection was so compelling that I persevered, eventually convincing myself that I should probably marry him. When life plans pulled us apart after just three months of dating, I felt devastated. Recently, though, when our paths crossed briefly for beers and conversation, we had a great time but the chemistry wasnt there. I had to admit that, on some level, it never truly was.
他的脾氣好得太徹底了，以致我對他從一開始便不感興趣。(與這么有魅力的男人接吻卻沒有任何反應，我當時不禁懷疑自己的性能力多年后我才明白那只是因為他太溫順，不夠機靈。)然而這個錯過的聯系的故事讓人如此無法抗拒，我一直堅守這段感情，甚至最終說服自己應該嫁給他。當我們約會了三個月，生活計劃將我們拉扯開的時候，我整個人都崩潰了。而最近，我們相約小酌幾杯，閑聊幾句時相處得非常愉快只是不再有心跳的感覺。我不得不承認，在某種程度上，我們之間從來就不存在愛情。
Sometimes we encounter the opposite: We find the connection, but not the story. The other night I talked with a friend who is navigating an increasingly serious relationship. Outwardly creative and 14)liberal, she always anticipated that shed end up with someone similar. The man shes dating isnt: Hes clean-cut and has a conventional job. Hes right for her in deeper, more fundamental waysbut she admits its a struggle to accept that, superficially, hes not what she thought she wanted. He doesnt reflect the story she believed about herself.
有時候，我們的際遇卻剛好相反：我們找到的是感覺，而非相遇的故事。有一天晚上，我和一位朋友聊天，她正處于一段日漸認真的戀情當中。她從外表來看創意多多，崇尚自由，一直期待與一個同道中人在一起。和她約會的那個男人并非如此：他輪廓分明，從事一份刻板的工作。他在更深層次、更基本的方面卻正合適她但她稱接受這樣的現實的確不容易，表面上看，他不是她認為自己想要的對象。他完全無法體現她相信的那個關于自己的故事。
No matter where we meet people on the subway or online all of us make up stories that reinforce notions of our relationships and ourselves. Its the way we make sense of the world: Im not sure any of us could survive without giving our lives some compelling plotlines. I certainly couldnt. But even as I do, I will try to remember that any connection Im lucky enough to find with someone is far more important than whatever story that connection might tell.
無論我們在什么樣的地方與人相遇相識在地鐵站還是網絡我們都會編造一些故事，加強對彼此關系和自身的想法。這就是我們認知世界的方式：若不給自己的生命添加一些無法抗拒的故事情節，我不太確定是否還有人能繼續活下去。我就絕對不行。然而即便我喜歡故事，我仍將努力去記住這一點任何我有幸能從某個人身上找到的感覺，都遠比這種感覺所講述的故事來得重要。
注1：eHarmony是美國最大的婚戀交友網站之一，由研究婚戀的心理學家尼爾克拉克瓦倫博士(Neil Clark Warren)在2000年8月22日創建于美國加利福尼亞州的帕薩迪納，專門致力于單身男女配對，在美國、澳大利亞、加拿大和英國均有公司業務。
注2：a missed connection 指的是兩人或多人之間無法交換或丟失了聯系方式的情況，通常與愛情有關。
注3：Craigslist是由克雷格紐馬克(Craig Newmark)于1995年在美國加州舊金山灣區地帶創立的一個網上大型免費分類廣告網站。其信息包括了求職招聘、房屋租賃買賣、二手產品交易、家政服務、地區活動指南及尋找羅曼史對象等，只在紐約、洛杉磯、華盛頓、波士頓、西雅圖、圣地亞哥和舊金山的招聘廣告中收取費用，其他所有的分類信息均為網友自發提供，不收取任何費用。
我們總喜歡在談及某事時說一些讓人覺得是命中注定的玄乎事兒，用來堅定自己的信心(同時麻痹自己的理性)，最終連自己都不得不信以為真也許正是這樣的故事情結造就了不少情侶，也讓很多人生活得更加幸福。其實如果你愿意相信，沒有故事的故事也可以很動人在感情道路上更是如此，無論我們以怎樣的方式相遇、相知、相愛，即便是平淡如水的愛情也能感人至深。 For the most part, my 1)aversion to online dating is about vanity. Simply put, I think that Im too attractive, too interesting and too young to need to subject myself to the trauma of courting on the Internet.
我討厭網絡相親的最大原因在于其虛有其表。簡而言之，我認為自己太有魅力、太有趣也太年輕了，根本沒有必要去經歷網絡求愛這種精神創傷。
But theres another reason, too its that I love a story. One of my favorite parts of dating is a charming how we met anecdote. And Im sorry, but theres nothing charming about Harmony. So when someone I know admitted that part of getting over his first love meant realizing that hed been in love with the story the two of them met in the desert in Israel I immediately recognized my own experience.
不過，這其中還有另外一個原因我喜歡有故事的愛情。對于約會，我最鐘愛的部分便是我們如何相識這件迷人軼事。真抱歉，網絡紅娘根本跟迷人不沾邊。因此，當我的一位朋友承認結束其初戀的部分原因是他明白到自己一直以來只是與那個故事相愛他們兩人是在以色列的沙漠中相遇的我立刻想到了自己的經歷。
Specifically, I recognized my Missed Connection. It was the Internet that brought us together, ironically, but there was plot. We made eye contact on a Brooklyn-bound train and then found one another through the Missed Connections page on Craigslist. I posted the ad, for the first time in my life, and he hadnt even heard of the site until reading about it in the Times Book Review two weeks prior.
具體來說，我想到了自己一段錯過的聯系。諷刺的是，讓我們找到了對方的正是網絡，當中還有情節。我們在一列開往布魯克林方向的火車上有過一面之緣，隨后在克雷格菜單網站的尋人啟事頁面中找到對方。我發布了平生第一則尋人廣告，而他是在前兩周讀到《時代》雜志的書評時才知道這個網站。
On our first date, he unassumingly disclosed a critical mass of Ideal Boyfriend qualities: he was six footf ive and a lawyer for a labor union. He asked me questions and read the New Yorker. He had become an ordained minister online so that he could perform the weddings of both of his younger sisters.
我們第一次約會時，他自然地流露出成為理想男友的基本條件：身高六尺五寸(約2.17米)，是一名工會律師。他對我噓寒問暖，喜歡讀《紐約客》雜志。他在網上獲得牧師的圣職，好讓自己能為兩個妹妹主婚。
He was so completely good natured that, initially, my attraction vanished. (I questioned my sexuality the way I had after the first time I kissed an attractive man and felt nothing only years later realizing it was because he was meek and unintelligent.) But the story of my Missed Connection was so compelling that I persevered, eventually convincing myself that I should probably marry him. When life plans pulled us apart after just three months of dating, I felt devastated. Recently, though, when our paths crossed briefly for beers and conversation, we had a great time but the chemistry wasnt there. I had to admit that, on some level, it never truly was.
他的脾氣好得太徹底了，以致我對他從一開始便不感興趣。(與這么有魅力的男人接吻卻沒有任何反應，我當時不禁懷疑自己的性能力多年后我才明白那只是因為他太溫順，不夠機靈。)然而這個錯過的聯系的故事讓人如此無法抗拒，我一直堅守這段感情，甚至最終說服自己應該嫁給他。當我們約會了三個月，生活計劃將我們拉扯開的時候，我整個人都崩潰了。而最近，我們相約小酌幾杯，閑聊幾句時相處得非常愉快只是不再有心跳的感覺。我不得不承認，在某種程度上，我們之間從來就不存在愛情。
Sometimes we encounter the opposite: We find the connection, but not the story. The other night I talked with a friend who is navigating an increasingly serious relationship. Outwardly creative and 14)liberal, she always anticipated that shed end up with someone similar. The man shes dating isnt: Hes clean-cut and has a conventional job. Hes right for her in deeper, more fundamental waysbut she admits its a struggle to accept that, superficially, hes not what she thought she wanted. He doesnt reflect the story she believed about herself.
有時候，我們的際遇卻剛好相反：我們找到的是感覺，而非相遇的故事。有一天晚上，我和一位朋友聊天，她正處于一段日漸認真的戀情當中。她從外表來看創意多多，崇尚自由，一直期待與一個同道中人在一起。和她約會的那個男人并非如此：他輪廓分明，從事一份刻板的工作。他在更深層次、更基本的方面卻正合適她但她稱接受這樣的現實的確不容易，表面上看，他不是她認為自己想要的對象。他完全無法體現她相信的那個關于自己的故事。
No matter where we meet people on the subway or online all of us make up stories that reinforce notions of our relationships and ourselves. Its the way we make sense of the world: Im not sure any of us could survive without giving our lives some compelling plotlines. I certainly couldnt. But even as I do, I will try to remember that any connection Im lucky enough to find with someone is far more important than whatever story that connection might tell.
無論我們在什么樣的地方與人相遇相識在地鐵站還是網絡我們都會編造一些故事，加強對彼此關系和自身的想法。這就是我們認知世界的方式：若不給自己的生命添加一些無法抗拒的故事情節，我不太確定是否還有人能繼續活下去。我就絕對不行。然而即便我喜歡故事，我仍將努力去記住這一點任何我有幸能從某個人身上找到的感覺，都遠比這種感覺所講述的故事來得重要。
注1：eHarmony是美國最大的婚戀交友網站之一，由研究婚戀的心理學家尼爾克拉克瓦倫博士(Neil Clark Warren)在2000年8月22日創建于美國加利福尼亞州的帕薩迪納，專門致力于單身男女配對，在美國、澳大利亞、加拿大和英國均有公司業務。
注2：a missed connection 指的是兩人或多人之間無法交換或丟失了聯系方式的情況，通常與愛情有關。
注3：Craigslist是由克雷格紐馬克(Craig Newmark)于1995年在美國加州舊金山灣區地帶創立的一個網上大型免費分類廣告網站。其信息包括了求職招聘、房屋租賃買賣、二手產品交易、家政服務、地區活動指南及尋找羅曼史對象等，只在紐約、洛杉磯、華盛頓、波士頓、西雅圖、圣地亞哥和舊金山的招聘廣告中收取費用，其他所有的分類信息均為網友自發提供，不收取任何費用。
