悲傷解釋：為啥你沒有男朋友
不知什么時候，網(wǎng)絡(luò)上興起了“剩女”這個詞，就好像一大波大齡單身女青年一夜之間就成了上不得臺面的剩菜。形單影只的女生，在成雙成對的恩愛情侶面前，難免要背負(fù)一個“剩”字。難道真是需要一個男朋友才能拯救自己，洗脫“沒人要”的標(biāo)簽嗎?
I recently moved back to Melbourne after 18 months spent living in London. When people asked me if I was nervous about returning home after such a long time away, I had to admit that I was. But not because I was concerned that my home town would seem quaint after living in one of the most bustling of metropolises1, or because I feared being mocked for having adopted some strange turns of phrase (I now say ‘half five’, instead of ‘half-past five’). My apprehension2was entirely due to the fact that all my friends are getting married.
In London, nearly all of my friends were single—though brief trysts and hook up stories were rife—and saved their energy for blossoming careers and exploring Europe.3 Back in Melbourne, engagement ring selfies4 on Facebook and ‘Save the Date’ cards were suddenly flying thick and fast. And while I was thrilled for my friends, I felt a twinge of self-pity, knowing that my single status would be more marked than ever before in our Noah’s Ark-like society where people must be paired off two-by-two.5 How was it that almost everyone I knew had managed to find their life partner by their mid- to late-20s?
I’ve always been the perennially6 single one of all my friends. Boyfriends have rarely lasted long, probably because I seem to have a penchant for flaky musicians and artist types, and in all honesty, this has rarely bothered me.7 For me, a boyfriend was always the icing on the cake rather than the cake itself; the element that made life even sweeter when everything else—career, plans, my sense of self—was going well.8 Like most people I want to fall in love, and eventually build a life together with someone I care deeply for, but I’ve never believed in having a relationship for relationship’s sake.
I can feel frustrated9 sometimes at the ways being single affects my life, but primarily due to practical concerns. Such as, if I want to avoid living in another share house and find a place of my own instead, I’m going to be paying double the amount a couple would pay for a one-bedroom apartment. Or, if I go on a vacation with a group of coupled friends, am I going to find myself on a foldout couch10 or blow up mattress rather than a lush guestroom with a double bed?
Ultimately though, my unattached11 status seems to bother others more than it does me. A question I’m asked with frustrating regularity is,?“why don’t you have a boyfriend?!”, typically voiced in an incredulous12, slightly shocked tone. The subtext seems to be something along the lines of: “but you’re such a special snowflake! Can’t you find anyone who wants you?” It’s intended as a compliment; it’s really an insult.13 The query’s underlying implication is that the only reason a woman would be single is because nobody wants her,14 and it can’t possibly be by choice or design. And, in a world where women are expected to have a romantic relationship as their foremost concern, where?being single is a problem to be solved, people can’t help but look at you askance if you’re in no rush to snag the nearest male who expresses even a fleeting interest in you.15
“Why don’t you have a boyfriend?!”?tends to go hand in hand with that oft-repeated, equally frustrating refrain about men,16 that?“all the good ones are taken.”?The notion that some people willingly remain uncoupled or are waiting for something better to come along is a concept our society appears to struggle with. But at least men are given the dignity of the ‘bachelor’ image. They’re playboys, too cool to commit, too many wild oats to sow17, no biological clock ticking loudly at them every minute of every day. Single women, on the other hand, are painted as spinsters, sad and desperate and still burdened with those same ‘maiden’ names (aka, our own names) bestowed upon them at birth.18
The truth is, I’m picky19. Most people seem to misread that as “I’ll only settle for Ryan Gosling20.” What it actually means is, I want to date somebody who I feel a mental and physical attraction to—and physical attraction is not code for “ripped and looks like Alexander Skarsgard” by the way,21 and nor is it something men are expected to compromise22 on when looking for a mate.
The fact that I’m not willing to compromise on this is something some people find very confusing, and, dare I say, even confronting. Friends have told me on more than one occasion that I should date someone merely because he asked me out, with no regard for my feelings on the matter. But why would I embark on23 a relationship with someone who feels wrong to me, when it would serve no purpose except to see me with a partner (and would in fact distract time and energy I could better spend on focusing on being the best person I can be)?
Here’s the thing. Relationships are an enormous commitment. They take work, and while I’m sure the benefits are plenty, I don’t believe in settling if you haven’t found one that will work for you. Finding someone who fits the criteria—someone you find appealing both inside and out, with whom you have that inexplicable spark, that ‘zing’ of chemistry and connection—and who wants the same things as you at the same time and whose lifestyle and goals and dreams are compatible with your own—well, that’s no easy task, but I’m not going to settle for anything less.24
And even if that means I’m going to be sleeping on the foldout bed at the guesthouse indefinitely, I’m okay with that.
Vocabulary
1. metropolis: 大都市，首府。
2. apprehension: 憂懼。
3. tryst: 約會;hood up: 搭上關(guān)系(尤指工作或社會關(guān)系);rife: 流行的，盛傳的。
4. selfie: 自拍照。
5. thrilled for: 喜不自勝的，激動的;twinge: 陣痛，刺痛;self-pity: 自憐;Noah’s Ark: 諾亞方舟，是《希伯來圣經(jīng)·創(chuàng)世紀(jì)》中的故事，創(chuàng)造世界萬物的上帝耶和華見到地上充滿敗壞、強(qiáng)暴和不法的邪惡行為，于是計(jì)劃用洪水消滅惡人。同時他也發(fā)現(xiàn)，人類之中有一位叫做諾亞的好人。上帝神指示諾亞建造一艘方舟，并帶著他的妻子、兒子與媳婦，凡潔凈的畜類，要帶七公七母;不潔凈的畜類，要帶一公一母;空中的飛鳥也要帶七公七母。因此，此處文中指成雙成對的社會。
6. perennially: 永久地。
7. penchant: 嗜好，傾向。flaky: 古怪的，與眾不同的。
8. 對我而言，男朋友一直都是蛋糕上的糖衣，而不是蛋糕本身;是當(dāng)其他方面——事業(yè)，計(jì)劃，和自我感——都順順利利的時候，讓生活更加甜美的成分。
9. frustrated: 失意的，挫敗的。
10. foldout couch: 折疊沙發(fā)。
11. unattached: 獨(dú)立的，此處指單身的。
12. incredulous: 懷疑的，難以置信的。
13. compliment: 恭維，稱贊;insult: 侮辱，無禮。
14. query: 疑問，質(zhì)問;underlying: 潛在的，根本的。
15. 而且，在人們普遍認(rèn)為女人應(yīng)該把談戀愛當(dāng)成頭等大事的世界里，單身是一個需要解決的問題，如果你沒有及時抓住身邊那個對你有一星半點(diǎn)兒好感的男人，別人就不禁會對你產(chǎn)生懷疑。askance: 斜視地，懷疑地;in no rush: 不急;snag: 抓住;fleeting: 短暫的，飛逝的。
16. oft-repeated: 多次重復(fù)的;refrain: 重復(fù)。
17. sow wild oats: 過放蕩不羈的生活。
18. spinster: 老姑娘，未婚女人;aka: also known as，又稱; bestowed upon: 賦予。
19. picky: 挑剔的。
20. Ryan Gosling: 瑞恩·高斯林(1980— )，加拿大男演員，代表作有《藍(lán)色情人節(jié)》《戀戀筆記本》等。
21. ripped: 指肌肉線條呈撕裂狀;Alexander Skarsgard: 亞歷山大·斯卡斯加德(1976-)瑞典男演員，因在HBO電視系列劇《真愛如血》中出演艾瑞克·諾斯曼而知名。
22. compromise: 妥協(xié)，折中。
23. embark on: 開始做某事。
24.找到一個符合各種標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的人——一個從里到外都吸引你的人，和他一起你有妙不可言的火花，有化學(xué)反應(yīng)和心心相吸的激情，所求所想和你同步，生活方式、目標(biāo)和夢想都和你匹配——這可不是一個輕松活，但我不會將就。appealing: 吸引人的;inexplicable: 無法說明的，不能解釋的;zing: 活力，生命力;compatible with: 與……和諧相處，與……相配的。
不知什么時候，網(wǎng)絡(luò)上興起了“剩女”這個詞，就好像一大波大齡單身女青年一夜之間就成了上不得臺面的剩菜。形單影只的女生，在成雙成對的恩愛情侶面前，難免要背負(fù)一個“剩”字。難道真是需要一個男朋友才能拯救自己，洗脫“沒人要”的標(biāo)簽嗎?
I recently moved back to Melbourne after 18 months spent living in London. When people asked me if I was nervous about returning home after such a long time away, I had to admit that I was. But not because I was concerned that my home town would seem quaint after living in one of the most bustling of metropolises1, or because I feared being mocked for having adopted some strange turns of phrase (I now say ‘half five’, instead of ‘half-past five’). My apprehension2was entirely due to the fact that all my friends are getting married.
In London, nearly all of my friends were single—though brief trysts and hook up stories were rife—and saved their energy for blossoming careers and exploring Europe.3 Back in Melbourne, engagement ring selfies4 on Facebook and ‘Save the Date’ cards were suddenly flying thick and fast. And while I was thrilled for my friends, I felt a twinge of self-pity, knowing that my single status would be more marked than ever before in our Noah’s Ark-like society where people must be paired off two-by-two.5 How was it that almost everyone I knew had managed to find their life partner by their mid- to late-20s?
I’ve always been the perennially6 single one of all my friends. Boyfriends have rarely lasted long, probably because I seem to have a penchant for flaky musicians and artist types, and in all honesty, this has rarely bothered me.7 For me, a boyfriend was always the icing on the cake rather than the cake itself; the element that made life even sweeter when everything else—career, plans, my sense of self—was going well.8 Like most people I want to fall in love, and eventually build a life together with someone I care deeply for, but I’ve never believed in having a relationship for relationship’s sake.
I can feel frustrated9 sometimes at the ways being single affects my life, but primarily due to practical concerns. Such as, if I want to avoid living in another share house and find a place of my own instead, I’m going to be paying double the amount a couple would pay for a one-bedroom apartment. Or, if I go on a vacation with a group of coupled friends, am I going to find myself on a foldout couch10 or blow up mattress rather than a lush guestroom with a double bed?
Ultimately though, my unattached11 status seems to bother others more than it does me. A question I’m asked with frustrating regularity is,?“why don’t you have a boyfriend?!”, typically voiced in an incredulous12, slightly shocked tone. The subtext seems to be something along the lines of: “but you’re such a special snowflake! Can’t you find anyone who wants you?” It’s intended as a compliment; it’s really an insult.13 The query’s underlying implication is that the only reason a woman would be single is because nobody wants her,14 and it can’t possibly be by choice or design. And, in a world where women are expected to have a romantic relationship as their foremost concern, where?being single is a problem to be solved, people can’t help but look at you askance if you’re in no rush to snag the nearest male who expresses even a fleeting interest in you.15
“Why don’t you have a boyfriend?!”?tends to go hand in hand with that oft-repeated, equally frustrating refrain about men,16 that?“all the good ones are taken.”?The notion that some people willingly remain uncoupled or are waiting for something better to come along is a concept our society appears to struggle with. But at least men are given the dignity of the ‘bachelor’ image. They’re playboys, too cool to commit, too many wild oats to sow17, no biological clock ticking loudly at them every minute of every day. Single women, on the other hand, are painted as spinsters, sad and desperate and still burdened with those same ‘maiden’ names (aka, our own names) bestowed upon them at birth.18
The truth is, I’m picky19. Most people seem to misread that as “I’ll only settle for Ryan Gosling20.” What it actually means is, I want to date somebody who I feel a mental and physical attraction to—and physical attraction is not code for “ripped and looks like Alexander Skarsgard” by the way,21 and nor is it something men are expected to compromise22 on when looking for a mate.
The fact that I’m not willing to compromise on this is something some people find very confusing, and, dare I say, even confronting. Friends have told me on more than one occasion that I should date someone merely because he asked me out, with no regard for my feelings on the matter. But why would I embark on23 a relationship with someone who feels wrong to me, when it would serve no purpose except to see me with a partner (and would in fact distract time and energy I could better spend on focusing on being the best person I can be)?
Here’s the thing. Relationships are an enormous commitment. They take work, and while I’m sure the benefits are plenty, I don’t believe in settling if you haven’t found one that will work for you. Finding someone who fits the criteria—someone you find appealing both inside and out, with whom you have that inexplicable spark, that ‘zing’ of chemistry and connection—and who wants the same things as you at the same time and whose lifestyle and goals and dreams are compatible with your own—well, that’s no easy task, but I’m not going to settle for anything less.24
And even if that means I’m going to be sleeping on the foldout bed at the guesthouse indefinitely, I’m okay with that.
Vocabulary
1. metropolis: 大都市，首府。
2. apprehension: 憂懼。
3. tryst: 約會;hood up: 搭上關(guān)系(尤指工作或社會關(guān)系);rife: 流行的，盛傳的。
4. selfie: 自拍照。
5. thrilled for: 喜不自勝的，激動的;twinge: 陣痛，刺痛;self-pity: 自憐;Noah’s Ark: 諾亞方舟，是《希伯來圣經(jīng)·創(chuàng)世紀(jì)》中的故事，創(chuàng)造世界萬物的上帝耶和華見到地上充滿敗壞、強(qiáng)暴和不法的邪惡行為，于是計(jì)劃用洪水消滅惡人。同時他也發(fā)現(xiàn)，人類之中有一位叫做諾亞的好人。上帝神指示諾亞建造一艘方舟，并帶著他的妻子、兒子與媳婦，凡潔凈的畜類，要帶七公七母;不潔凈的畜類，要帶一公一母;空中的飛鳥也要帶七公七母。因此，此處文中指成雙成對的社會。
6. perennially: 永久地。
7. penchant: 嗜好，傾向。flaky: 古怪的，與眾不同的。
8. 對我而言，男朋友一直都是蛋糕上的糖衣，而不是蛋糕本身;是當(dāng)其他方面——事業(yè)，計(jì)劃，和自我感——都順順利利的時候，讓生活更加甜美的成分。
9. frustrated: 失意的，挫敗的。
10. foldout couch: 折疊沙發(fā)。
11. unattached: 獨(dú)立的，此處指單身的。
12. incredulous: 懷疑的，難以置信的。
13. compliment: 恭維，稱贊;insult: 侮辱，無禮。
14. query: 疑問，質(zhì)問;underlying: 潛在的，根本的。
15. 而且，在人們普遍認(rèn)為女人應(yīng)該把談戀愛當(dāng)成頭等大事的世界里，單身是一個需要解決的問題，如果你沒有及時抓住身邊那個對你有一星半點(diǎn)兒好感的男人，別人就不禁會對你產(chǎn)生懷疑。askance: 斜視地，懷疑地;in no rush: 不急;snag: 抓住;fleeting: 短暫的，飛逝的。
16. oft-repeated: 多次重復(fù)的;refrain: 重復(fù)。
17. sow wild oats: 過放蕩不羈的生活。
18. spinster: 老姑娘，未婚女人;aka: also known as，又稱; bestowed upon: 賦予。
19. picky: 挑剔的。
20. Ryan Gosling: 瑞恩·高斯林(1980— )，加拿大男演員，代表作有《藍(lán)色情人節(jié)》《戀戀筆記本》等。
21. ripped: 指肌肉線條呈撕裂狀;Alexander Skarsgard: 亞歷山大·斯卡斯加德(1976-)瑞典男演員，因在HBO電視系列劇《真愛如血》中出演艾瑞克·諾斯曼而知名。
22. compromise: 妥協(xié)，折中。
23. embark on: 開始做某事。
24.找到一個符合各種標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的人——一個從里到外都吸引你的人，和他一起你有妙不可言的火花，有化學(xué)反應(yīng)和心心相吸的激情，所求所想和你同步，生活方式、目標(biāo)和夢想都和你匹配——這可不是一個輕松活，但我不會將就。appealing: 吸引人的;inexplicable: 無法說明的，不能解釋的;zing: 活力，生命力;compatible with: 與……和諧相處，與……相配的。
